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Transcription:The Nerd on the CW
(The Nerd is sitting on his couch watching TV.) NERD: Wow, another night of superheroes and sexualizing teenagers. I wish I was on the CW. That would be so cool. Sooooo cooooool... I might want to see a doctor about potential narcolepsy. (He falls asleep and is seen dressed in the Arsenal outfit.) NERD: Wow, the Arsenal costume! I must on Arrow and there's the star of Arrow, the Arrow! GREEN ARROW: Arsenal, stick to the mission! We need to take out those guards if we're gonna rescue Felicity. NERD: Cool, so is this Season 1 where you kill every motherfucker with a pulse or Season 2 or 3 where you just give people crippling injuries that will make every day of the rest of their lives a Hell on Earth? GREEN ARROW: I'm not a killer. I know that now. NERD: Got it. Injuries, Hell on Earth, etc. Non-lethal, non-lethal, zing! (The Nerd shoots a guard through the eye.) NERD: Oops, I can do this. Zing! (The Nerd shoots another guard through the eye.) GREEN ARROW: I SAID NO KILLING! NERD: Henchman eyes are like arrow magnets. I got this, zing! (The Nerd shoots the guard this time through the thigh.) NERD: YES! Consider him incapacitated. (The guard's thigh begins to spout blood.) GUARD: Oh my God! My femoral artery! NERD: The human body is complicated. (Green Arrow facepalms and the Nerd finds himself on the set of Beauty & The Beast.) ---- NERD: Where am I? What, what show am I on? Is this The 100?! CATHERINE CHANDLER: Vincent, is that you? NERD: Oh my God, I must be on Beauty & The Beast! (Turning his attention to Catherine) Hello there, Belle. CATHERINE CHANDLER: Belle? I'm Cat! NERD: Cat, Belle, all that matters is I love you. CATHERINE CHANDLER: I love you too! Ever since I first met you-- NERD: And we sang that song with that teapot. CATHERINE CHANDLER: And you saved me from the murderers who butchered my parents. NERD: Whoa! CATHERINE CHANDLER: Oh no, you're changing! NERD: Yes, the last petal of the magic rose. CATHERINE CHANDLER: Was that the code name of the DNA super-soldier program in Afghanistan that mutated you? NERD: Wow, this show kinda kicks ass. CATHERINE CHANDLER: You're turning into that horrible monster again! NERD: This is gonna be awesome! (The Nerd looks into a mirror and only finds that his mutation is yellow eyes and sharpened teeth.) NERD: Well, this seems like a really livable affliction. CATHERINE CHANDLER: Oh, ravish me you monster! NERD: (Pulling out iPhone) Siri, remind me to DVR the hell out of Beauty & The Beast. (The Nerd goes to kiss Catherine but finds himself now in the Flash costume on the set of The Flash.) ---- NERD: Oh, come on, Beastus interruptus! (Looking around) S.T.A.R. Labs? Oh my gosh, I'm on The Flash! (Seeing his costume) Oh my gosh, I am The Flash! (Dr. Harrison Wells shows up) Oh my Gosh, it's Ed from Ed! HARRISON WELLS: What? No, Barry, it's me, Dr. Harrison Wells. Listen, you need to focus your speed in order to--- CISCO RAMON: Bank robbery at the corner of Perez and Wolfman! It's next to Jim Lee Blvd. NERD: Yes! Nerds unite! (The Nerd begins to run) This is awesome! Wait, where the hell am I going? I've never been to this city before, I think I want the 101 North but that old man says 101 East and 101 West. Is 101 North also 101 West? Why would they do that? (Sees a dead end) Whoa, I did not want the 101 West! (The Nerd runs back to the bank to find everyone dead) Yes, The Flash is here to--- Okay, I might be a little late. CISCO RAMON: Barry, Barry, did you stop the robbery? NERD: (Nervous laughing) False alarm! (The Nerd now finds himself on the set of America's Next Top Model) ---- TYRA BANKS: You're still too fat! NERD: But all I do is smoke cigarettes and drink chocolate ipecac. TYRA BANKS: I'm sorry but you are no longer in the running to be American's Next Top Model. NERD: Just point me to the nearest Arby's. My stomach is like (Imitating growling noises) Hey, I wonder what show I'm gonna be on next? (Ad for Jane the Virgin pops up) Ooh, that sounds sexy! ---- (The Nerd is now in a doctor's office on the set of Jane the Virgin.) NERD: Oh my gosh, I'm pregnant! DOCTOR: You're actually well into your third trimester. NERD: But I can't be pregnant, I'm a virgin! DOCTOR: We can fix that. (Title card reads 10 seconds later and the Nerd is shown shuddering.) DOCTOR: There we go. NERD: I still don't know how I got pregnant, I'm a dude! DOCTOR: (Doing a talk to the hand gesture) Sorry, I don't talk to sluts. ---- (The Nerd wakes up in his bed to see Cisco, Harrison, Green Arrow and Catherine standing by his bed.) NERD: Wow! I just had the most amazing dream and you were there, and you, and you! GREEN ARROW: Yes, we've been standing here for half an hour. This is actually your Make-A-Wish visit. NERD: What? (The Nerd turns over to see an IV and a heart rate monitor by his bed.) NERD: Oh dang it! Category:Transcriptions